"I love you too, son."
Normally, I might feel touched by a heartfelt father/son moment like this, but unfortunately, when I overheard this particular exchange, I was standing in a place where I really didn't feel like being touched: fly-down, in front of a urinal at an airport men's room. That's right, back in the summer of 2010, I witnessed a father and his over-appreciative son, doing their business and sharing their deepest feelings in a restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. I would have felt awkward if I'd overheard their Hallmark-worthy love-fest in a restaurant or a grocery store; standing three-wide with our flies down, all I could do was roll my eyes, zip up, and walk away. Who would've thought anything could rival former senator Larry Craig's epic Minneapolis airport debacle?
Though it's certainly near the top of my list of worst encounters, this particular incident was by no means the first awkward men's room moment I've experienced. It did, however, get me thinking that as a society, we've reached a point where we need write to down some of those unwritten rules of restroom etiquette. Too many people just aren't getting it, and it leads to some painful moments at the office, in airports, at rest areas, at sporting events, and in men's rooms everywhere. Take notes: the following are the things you should know when it comes to "handling yourself" in the men's room (no pun intended).
Public Displays of Affection
Before the great father/son fiasco of 2010, I would have thought that this principle was so simple that it didn't warrant a spot on this list. But after that tender moment at the airport, I guess I need to spell it out: keep the touching family moments and PDA out of the bathroom. No matter how much you care about someone, there simply aren't any emotions powerful enough to warrant sharing your feelings while you're standing in a public restroom with your fly down. I cringe to imagine how that scene might have played out if that father and son felt a sudden urge to hug it out...
The Buffer
Always, always respect the buffer. Do everything in your power to leave at least one empty urinal between you and the next guy. If you're the only one in the bathroom and you walk up to a bank of three urinals, common sense dictates that you avoid the middle urinal at all costs--obviously, if anyone else walks in, you've left no room for the buffer.
Sure, this principle seems straightforward when you're dealing with an empty restroom and a limited number of urinals, but what happens when nature calls and you're facing multiple options, none of which leave an adequate buffer? In my exhaustive research for this blog post, I discovered that I'm not the first to ponder this complex riddle that has stumped man throughout time. But with today's technology, there's hope for us yet...that's right, there's an app for that!
Urinal Test is an iPhone app that presents twenty-five different urinal scenarios of increasing complexity, forcing you to choose the best available option. At the end of the quiz, you're rewarded with a urinal IQ to go along with your invaluable knowledge of restroom etiquette. Apparently the app was created as an advertisement for the a book titled The Man's Book: The Essential Guide For The Modern Man. Perhaps this will mark the end of my decade-long, self-imposed ban on reading...
While I'm impressed with the authors' thought, creativity, and strong desire to educate the masses on urinal etiquette, I violently disagree with certain aspects of their quiz. For example, they claim that the scenario above has a correct answer, that one of those three open spots is better than the others. However, I would argue that peeing within three feet of another guy in a public bathroom is never a "best spot."If an ignorant urinator disregards the buffer and walks up next me, I'm not afraid to stop mid-stream and change urinals if it means I can reestablish the buffer. So what is the correct answer to the scenario above--is it urinal number 1, 2, or 3? My choice would be none of the above. Die-hard followers of my principle will pee in the sink before willingly pulling up side-by-side with someone at the urinal.
Silence Is Golden
Day after day of awkward run-ins in the office men's room have led me to this conclusion: conversation in the restroom should be strictly forbidden. Exchanging words at the urinal pits two strong social forces against one another: the courtesy of making eye contact with someone while they're speaking, and the urge to not look at that person while they're peeing. When a coworker starts talking to me at the urinal, I never know if I should turn my head and look him in the eye, or just stare straight ahead and keep nodding while he speaks. Either way, I just can't win.
Why can't the conversation at least wait until we're over by the sinks, washing our hands? It's because of situations like these that I've become a huge fan of places that have TVs, menus, newspapers, or ads over the urinals. In the event of unwanted conversation, those options provide a great way to feign distraction. Something--anything--to look at makes all the difference in the world.
Once again, my research for this post uncovered a spectacularly rewarding image. With this impressive rear projection screen, this guy gets to pee directly on a cricket match. You can bet he wouldn't feel obligated to look over if someone pulled up next to him and tried to start a conversation:
While I haven't experienced this myself, coworkers have told me horror stories of situations where their bosses have tried to talk business while sitting on the toilet. Sure, the added privacy of the stall is a step in the right direction, but it's just too difficult to focus and conduct serious business while your discussion is constantly being interrupted by strained words, followed by that all-too-familiar splash. And what's the etiquette when you're ready to leave, but your boss is still sitting next door, talking business while doing his business?
Once again, two bad options await. You can interrupt your boss or simply ignore him and walk out, potentially jeopardizing your future career prospects. On the flip side, you can stand by the sink and continue the conversation, which pretty much guarantees that anyone who enters the bathroom will initially think that you're standing in the men's room alone, talking to yourself...which, I've found, is no fast way to make friends at the office...at least not the kind of friends I'm interested in meeting...
The Architects and the Power of Peripheral Vision
This next principle applies not to restroom patrons, but to the architects who have the power to unknowingly set thousands of men up for years of uncomfortable bathroom encounters with their restroom design strategies. What's the key difference between the two bathrooms pictured below?
Keen observers will note that the bank of urinals on the right has a major advantage over the urinals on the left: partitions. Never is the power of peripheral vision more apparent then when you're standing in the middle of a crowded bank of partition-free urinals, trying to avoid an accidental eyeful of awkwardness. There have been moments in the men's room when I'm convinced I could read the bottom row on an eye chart from 30 yards away, using nothing but my peripheral vision.
The disturbing lack of privacy afforded by a partitionless bank of urinals is even more unsettling than the decor in the men's room below. But even at a frightening bank of urinals like this one, you'll notice that the architects knew that it would be far worse to design the place without urinal partitions:
Believe me, it's terribly disheartening to encounter so much awkwardness, all because the building designers wouldn't spring for some lowly dividers. Which brings me to my next section, another principle that applies to bathroom designers across the world.
Keep the Trough on the Farm
Ballparks and stadiums are notorious for awkward men's room encounters. The leading contributor, of course, is the infamous stainless steel trough:
The sheer volume of men making their way to the bathroom between innings, coupled with the added time pressure of getting back to their seats without missing a single pitch, means that respect for personal space is nonexistent in ballpark men's rooms. I've seen far too many 300 pound guys sandwich themselves between two other dudes, just to get back to the game thirty seconds sooner. To top it off, you've got a crowd of fifty men behind you watching your every move, ready to pounce on your vacant spot the moment you reach for your zipper.
And, while stainless steel offers a clean, modern look in almost any interior design setting, it has one major drawback when used in trough construction: it enhances splashback. After some particularly rough trough encounters, I've felt the need to wring out my shorts and towel off. And, worst of all, when you're standing elbow-to-elbow alongside drunk baseball fans with questionable aim, you're always left wondering exactly whose splashback is dripping from your legs and shorts.
But my list of trough grievances doesn't end there. The stadium trough is the most extreme example of a partition-free bathroom, which makes the peripheral vision dilemma abnormally powerful during a trough urination. One inadvertent glance in either direction, and you risk a head-on stare down a line with more sausage than a meat-locker.
So why not just wait for an open stall and avoid all of these undesirable outcomes? In some ballparks--and I find this downright unconscionable--the stalls don't even have doors! For the unlucky few who have to do #2, this creates an extremely embarrassing situation. A friend once told me that he saw a man remove his pants entirely and sit backwards on the toilet, just to avoid the discomfort of watching hundreds of other guys walk by and look in at him. If that's not a sign that stall doors should be mandatory, nothing is. If you're still reading, please write your state representative at your earliest convenience.
Quick Hits
Before closing, I have five final tips that are worth a read. They may be short, but believe me, they're sweet:
(1) Walk up to the urinal, unzip, then pee--in that order! This part is equally critical: don't start one step before completing the previous step. Anything less than flawless execution of this process can lead to overexposure and/or a very messy floor and/or set of clothing.
(2) Posture is everything. No matter how tired you are, no matter how long your day has been, there's no need to lean on the wall while taking a leak. I give dogs a free pass on this rule, but two-legged humans can summon the energy to leave the restroom without actually resting.
(3) Splash guards can be extremely misleading. I was lucky enough to encounter my first splash guard several years ago in one of those fancy airport members-only lounges. I approached the urinal with a sense of wonder and inspiration, thinking that, for once, I didn't have to worry about splashback. Thinking this splash guard would be the anti-trough, it was without a care in the world that I unzipped and went about my business as if I were power-washing a deck. No, I didn't exactly have to towel off afterward, but it is with great disappointment that I share this bit of news: the splash guard does not live up to its name.
(4) The men's room is no place for cultural sensitivity. This may be an urban men's room legend, but a credible source once told me the gruesome tale of an Asian man who, unfamiliar with the modern marvels of American plumbing, exited a bathroom stall, approached a urinal, pulled the handle, and dipped his hands in for a rinse. Admittedly, I have no idea how they do things in the old country, but if you ever see something like this about to unfold in front of you, don't be afraid to tackle the perpetrator. To this day, I wonder how that guy failed to notice everyone else peeing into the row of "sinks."
(5) Don't flush the unflushable. We've all been there--you walk into a stall to find what can only be described as the remnants of a chocolate bomb...a mixture of soiled toilet paper and pure, concentrated evil. You've gotta go, so you think about attempting the flush. But surely, whoever left this nightmare already attempted that...right? When you're standing at this metaphorical fork in the road, pondering your next move, remember these words: flush at your own peril.
All of the positive thinking in the world can't force a watermelon-sized mass of the devil's finest handiwork down a three-inch pipe. A friend of mine recently learned this lesson the hard--and wet--way at our local health club. In the end, all he had to show for his bold attempt was a makeshift fountain of terror, a horrified sprint out of the locker room, and an extremely angry, foul-mouthed, and wet-shoed man from the neighboring stall. I believe the 1970s English glam rock band Sweet said it best: you can't push Willy where Willy won't go. They were certainly ahead of their time.
About the Author
The author of this life-changing piece owns a colorful history in the bathroom adventure arena, spanning multiple decades. In the fall of 2001, the thrill of publicly urinating in a highly-trafficked Old Country Buffet parking lot sparked a life-long love affair with this topic. After several years out of the spotlight, in 2008 he pulled off an even more daring feat, relieving himself in broad daylight on a Friday afternoon in his employer's parking lot.
In a highly publicized 2010 endeavor, the author successfully undertook the workload of a team of well-equipped plumbers, using only two small twigs and healthy dose of creativity to unclog as hopelessly jammed toilet. His unconventional but revolutionary approach to solving plumbing catastrophes, which has come to be known as the "Chop Stick Method," has saved hundreds of thousands of lives in the developing world, largely eradicating the traditional, highly unsanitary "Hand Grabber Method."
Most recently, during a 2011 vacation in Arizona, a faulty locking mechanism on a single-toilet men's room at a Jack in the Box restaurant forced the author to urinate in the sink while wedging the door shut with his foot. Mid-stream, further investigation revealed that the lock was, in fact, functioning correctly. While the author regrets this error, the incident inspired a groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Food Protection titled: "Employees Must Not Wash Hands Before Returning To Work".
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