Sunday, March 25, 2012

Rollercoaster: Google's Hottest New Product

On a Saturday afternoon in early February, I walked down to the mailbox and pulled out the usual stack of weekend ads and junk mail.  Dropping the stack on the table, a small postcard with the Google logo printed on the back fell out:


Intriguing...what possible reason would Google have to send me anything in the mail?  I flipped the card over and looked at the return address, and my heart started racing:


AdSense Support?  My only involvement with AdSense is this very blog and its now infamous $2.37 in ad revenue that it's generated since I started blogging in the summer of 2010.  This postcard could only mean one thing, and it most certainly was not good news: Google was booting me from the AdSense program!  This had to be some kind of rejection letter, telling me that I was a drain on Google engineering resources and explaining that my blog was not of sufficient quality to support advertising.  Perhaps Google had grown tired of trying to convince businesses to place ads next to my lackluster writing.

I was so depressed, I almost tossed the postcard in the trash without opening it.  Instead, I abandoned the postcard on the table and walked away dejectedly.  It wasn't until later that day that I finally opened the postcard as I sorted through all of the week's junk mail.

My heart started racing once again; my spirits suddenly lifted.  This was no rejection letter at all.  My eyes immediately fixated on one particular phrase: "To enable payment for your account..."


Was this it? Had my moment finally arrived?  Here I was, thinking that I was on the verge of a blogging dead end, but it looked like Google was urgently asking me to take some kind of action so they could pay me!  The postcard said that I needed to enter a PIN number on the AdSense website to enable payment.

I sprinted over to the computer and logged into my AdSense account.  I hadn't checked it in months...seeing that paltry balance is hardly a wellspring of inspiration to continue writing this blog.  Last I'd checked, Google wouldn't issue an AdSense payment until the account balance reached $100, and that milestone was decades away at my current rate of earnings.  I started to wonder if things had taken off since I last checked and my words had somehow struck Blogger gold.  When I logged in, my heart rate ratcheted up another notch when I saw a red warning sign:


Earnings on hold--that sounded promising.  Google wanted me to verify and enter a variety of information...tax stuff, phone number, and the PIN number from the post card.  Holy crap, I think they were going to pay me!

But my disappointment returned--as I clicked around and investigated further, I realized that Google had made some kind of change to its AdSense program since I'd last logged in, and they were only looking for me to update my personal information.  One thing that hadn't changed: the $100 minimum for AdSense payments.

Over the course of half a Saturday, Google had taken me on a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Before I picked up the mail I was perfectly content. When I saw the post card: ashamed and disappointed. After opening the postcard: elated and optimistic.  After logging into AdSense...back to the disappointment.

Google has turned itself into a money-printing powerhouse with its innovative, Internet-based products--it's a very impressive portfolio of free Google tools: Maps, Books, Documents, Chat (instant messaging), Voice (phone service), Calendar, Music, Finance, Translate, Wallet (online payments), YouTube, Offers, Wave, Picasa (photos), Chrome (web browser), and one you're looking at right now--Blogger.  There are far too many to list, and I've personally only used a fraction of all the available Google options--I don't even know what half of them do:


I'm not so sure about its newest--and first offline--offering: Google Emotional Rollercoaster.  That *@#$ postcard took at least five years off my life expectancy--I'm still recovering from the palpitations.  Since Google caused this mess, I figured they might be best positioned to fix it. So I turned to another product: Google Health.  I'd heard the name but had no idea how the tool worked.  Regardless, I hoped to find an online solution to my new offline problem, so I Googled "Google Health."




Uh oh.  When I visited Google's blog post, I learned that Health never gained a sufficient following to achieve Google's desired scale.  (Interestingly, PowerMeter, a product I was not aware even existed, suffered the same fate).  I do enjoy Google's choice of words when describing the end to an unsuccessful product's life.  They aren't "cancelling" or "terminating" the product, they're simply "sunsetting" or "retiring" it.  I picture Google Health easing into its golden years, buying a condo in Florida, and playing shuffleboard until a dinner/Matlock matinee at 4PM.



It looks like I'm on my own on this one; not even Google can save me now.  Next time I receive a postcard in the mail with anything Googley on it, I'm going to maintain an even disposition and avoid jumping to any hasty conclusions.  My motivation is slowly returning--as part of the whole AdSense account verification process, I linked my bank account to AdSense, and I was pleased to see Google's $0.18 trial deposit show up in my account.

Apologies for the microscopic image--click to enlarge!

I don't want to exaggerate the importance of this little milestone, but I think this qualifies me as a professional writer, doesn't it?  I've now had actual money deposited into my bank account for my work...not like that $2.37 in phantom earnings that I can't access until my AdSense account balance balloons to $100.  My heart is on the mend.  Sure, I've had at least five years lopped off the end of my life by this crazy whirlwind of optimism and disappointment, but the last five years aren't the good ones anyway.

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